Following the nearly six week stint in site (which I wrote about in my last blog) I took my counterpart, Samuel, to a Project Management and Leadership seminar. The highlight of the three-day event was the cultural night on day two where Samuel and I, along with other Ngabes and their volunteers, performed the traditional dance "Hegi," which is basically coordinated stomping. That night he was so excited about the cultural activities that we stayed up late chatting. It became our most interesting conversation to date. Samuel told me many interesting tidbits about Ngabe relationships in general and his personal experiences in particular. The following is a fascinating yet sad glimpse into life here, but it is also incomplete. Ngabe psychology is incredibly complex and different from my own and coming to real conclusions (even after living here a year) is nearly impossible. For that reason I present the following as I got it- openly but without much explanation.
Ways Relationships Start
1) A group of working men are watched by a woman who just happens to be passing by. She is looking to see who works the hardest and "gritars" (a type of yell-greeting. Mine sounds like "oohwayyyyy") the best. After making a decision solely by herself (she gets no help from her mom, sisters, or friends) she approaches the man and says "I saw you working the other day and you work the hardest so I am going with you." According to Samuel, the guy is so proud to start his family the thought of saying "no" never crosses his mind. They're considered married.
2) Another way a relationship may start is how Samuel came to be with his first wife, Lela (pronounced "Layla"). After finishing sixth grade he worked on a farm a couple of years then returned and asked Lela's uncle, Alberto, if he could marry her (he would normally ask her parents but they had passed away from Tuberculosis when she was younger). Alberto said "yes" because he and Samuel were family; Samuel's sister has married Alberto years before. Despite Alberto's permission, not everyone thought Samuel was good enough for Lela. One day Lela's cousin confronted Samuel in a path and said "I don't want you to marry Lela so you have to fight me for her." Samuel refused and it wasn't until her cousin socked him in the face that he fought. According to Samuel, he won quickly. The following week, another cousin socked Samuel in the face for the same reason and with the same result as the first fight. Samuel had proven his valor and literally won Lela. He was 16; she 13.
3) The father of a young man meets with the father of a young woman. The mothers also meet. They must meet four times, each time drinking a large amount of "chicha fuerte" (fermented corn drink) and discussing the match. By the end of the fourth meeting they decide the two will marry. At that point they inform the two young adults of their fate which neither knew was being discussed. They don't have the option to decline.
4) A secret relationship which angers her parents when it is discovered. Her parents feel disrespected and for this reason the couple must avoid her family for an extended period of time. During this time she lives with his family while waiting for the anger to dissipate. After many months she returns home bearing gifts and food and is forgiven. After still more time passes the husband can go to his in-laws house but must do so very wearily because he is afraid of getting beaten up. After he is accepted and forgiven the in-laws visit, everyone parties, and all is good in the world.
Cheating/Divorce
If a woman cheats the two men must fight. The woman, then, must go with the winner. If the original husband wins he brings her home and beats her "because she has disrespected him". When her dad finds out and confronts the husband the husband explains what happened, the result being that her dad immediately understands and drops the matter. The husband is considered justified. On the other hand, if the original husband loses the fight he also loses the girl and the matter ends there.
If the man cheats it is a different story. This is because he is "male and stronger." There is no beating and rarely a fight (between the women). In this circumstance the woman has the right to leave her husband although this is rare. If she leaves and finds another partner the new husband and the old husband must fight because the old husband doesn't want her to be with anyone else. Regardless of the winner, though, she stays with the new husband.
Polygamy
Samuel asked Elena to be his second wife twenty-four years ago and despite him already having Lela, Elena said "yes." Some random day following that conversation Elena showed up at Lela and Samuel's home. Immediately everyone knew why she was there because she had never visited before. Lela was angry with Samuel and Elena. Since then, however, time has healed wounds and the women now consider themselves family. They share food, gossip and chat but their relationship is still more cordial than friendly. Elena's dad, Feliciano, upon finding out his daughter's plans, attempted to match her with someone else but she refused. Feliciano resorted to having his brother (Elena's uncle) sock Samuel in the face (knowing that if Samuel lost, he couldn't marry Elena). After Samuel won, Feliciano elicited his son (Elena's brother) to sock Samuel's face. After Samuel won that fight Feliciano had no choice but to sock Samuel in the face himself. Again Samuel proved his valor and won the girl. According to Samuel, since the fight with Feliciano he has been free to go anywhere he pleases without trouble and he and Feliciano are now good friends.
Lela has eight children aged five to thirty-four; Elena has six aged nine to twenty-three.
Along with their language and many customs, the Ngabe practice of polygamy is dying. It is unpracticed by the younger generations and will be gone within a few decades.
Last tidbit
Ever since he married Elena, Samuel has spent the large majority of his nights at her house and his days at Lela's. Why? I do not know. On the exceptions ("to keep Lela happy") Lela makes him sleep on the floor of his nine-foot-by-nine-foot store which is closer to my house than her's. When I asked him why he doesn't sleep in the bed with her he explained that she is "brava" (aggressive/fierce/angry) with him. Still, once a week, year after year he sleeps alone on the cold dirt floor of his little shack of a store because he thinks it makes Lela happy.
No comments:
Post a Comment