Returned Peace Corps Volunteer

My time as a Peace Corps Volunteer (PCV) is over. After 27 months of what some call 'glorified camping' in Panama I  can finally call myself an RPCV. Reflecting on two years is difficult -impossible to deconstruct in a short blog post- but some immediate thoughts have been swirling around my mind.

Peace Corps Service is a deeply personal experience full of contradictions. Generalizing any one experience is a waste of time and the contradictions inherent in being a PCV make understanding any one experience head-achingly frustrating. For example, during the months leading up to my departure I grew jaded and impatiently awaited the end of my service. On the day of my departure, however, I was filled with overpowering sadness as I came face-to-face with what I previously longed for. At the crack of dawn, loaded down with emotion on the final exit from my home these past two years, tears streamed from my face and leaving became a reality I no longer wished to confront. But confront it I did and my contradictory emotions only increased my weariness and confusion.

Finishing Peace Corps Service gives me a great sense of pride. From completing a latrine project and learning a new language to creating strong bonds within my community and living through conditions of hardship I will always look back on my time in Panama with fondness, incredulity, and awe. Complementing my feelings of accomplishment are some sobering but appropriate questions I believe most PCV's face soon after their service: Did I do enough? Could I have done more? Am I glad I joined the Peace Corps?

The contradictions I feel toward my time here are perfectly expressed by Bill Bryson in "A Walk in the Woods" as he reflected on leaving the Appalachian Trail. He writes:

“I had come to realize that I didn’t have any feelings toward the Appalachian Trail that weren’t confused and contradictory. I was weary of the trail, but still strangely in its thrall; found the endless slog tedious but irresistible; grew tired of the boundless woods but admired their boundlessness; enjoyed the escape from civilization and ached for its comforts. I wanted to quit and to do this forever, sleep in a bed and in a tent, see what was over the next hill and never see a hill again. All of this all at once, every moment, on the trail or off.”

I have come to accept the complicated feelings involved in being a PCV but one this is not complicated: Panama has changed me and the rest of group 66. My talented friends now throw a machete with expert precision, eat immense amounts of rice, speak campo Spanish with eloquence, hunt cockroaches with scary determination, and tolerate sitting on a "red devil" bus for hours with no personal space and surrounded by deafening Reggaeton music in 100 degree heat.

But Panama has also changed us in ways that we may be able to apply to our lives again. By definition PCV's persevere and follow-through with commitments. They are also entrepreneurs in the sense of succeeding with few resources. They have real experience in grass roots development, understand how to run meetings, and know where to find help. They are practiced in empathy, support, teaching, and patience.

Now that I am done, one question remains: what am I looking forward to? The answer starts with slowing down. The second year of Peace Corps Service is exhausting and full of commutes. Busing six hours multiple times per month, traveling to other PC sites for work seminars, and miles of hiking have made me feel like packing and unpacking (or thinking about packing and unpacking) have become my life. Going home and being a normal twenty-something year old with a job and rooted in one place again  sounds therapeutic; especially when combined with ample doses of warm showers, real beds, American food, cleanliness, and exercise. And the prospect of being with my family over the holidays -a two year yearning that has carried me through moments of weakness more than a few times- buckles my knees.

Unfortunately that yearning will have to wait for two more months. Until then five friends of mine and I will be traveling through Ecuador, Peru, Chile, Argentina, and Uruguay; traversing the continent by bus and visiting the Amazon, Macchu Picchu, Patagonia, the Iguazu Falls, and many other less famous locations. Strolling through beautiful vibrant cities, consuming spectacular food, taking part in as many adventures as possible, and connecting with friends along the way should make this trip an exciting cherry-on-top to an unforgettable two years.